How do you define yourself?
It’s a question we rarely ask, but its authority is always lurking in the back of our minds, influencing our purchases, our behavior in society, and even where we choose to live.
For many, the definitions we impose on ourselves are often dictated by an inner need to belong in society, stemming from insecurity that assigns incredible value to what others, even complete strangers, may think of us.
Society has convinced itself that what others perceive about our lives is often more important than the actual truth.
This distorted reality is a result of social media, where perceptions are carefully curated to create a fictional representation. This often results in various mental health issues, as the false sense of reality can make us feel like impostors or frauds in our own lives.
So, how do you define yourself?
What is the one thing that can culturally tell other people in society, even strangers, that you’re a success, that you’re somehow better than they are, even if it’s only fiction?
The answer is what you drive.
This weekend, my wife and I attended the Auto Show in Denver, Colorado. Attending this event has been a tradition of mine since I started driving 33 years ago.
I always look forward to exploring the latest features and designs from various automakers, and it’s also amusing to see other attendees dream about owning high-end luxury vehicles while they sit behind the wheel, snapping photos for their social media feeds.
The Auto Show also brings to mind a meaningful story from my past. When I was in high school, I worked at my father’s automotive service station in New Jersey, where my job was to pump gas for customers in the only state in America with full-service gas stations.
One of the things I loved about this job was meeting all kinds of different people, and getting to know a bit about their lives through our short, weekly conversations.
I was sometimes amazed at the amount of details they’d share with the teenager pumping their gas, but as I’ve come to realize over time, I make a pretty good listener, and sometimes that’s all people need.
The patrons included braggarts and macho men, grandparents and college students, relatives and friends, and so many more. Their diverse personalities revealed how different we all are in the world, yet also how much we share in common: the pursuit of belonging in a world where it seems increasingly difficult to find.
A Lesson in Character
One of those individuals was a middle-aged high school English teacher who drove around in a 1975 cream-colored Chevy Monte Carlo.
For some context, I started high school in the fall of 1989 and graduated in the summer of 1993, and throughout that timeframe, this English teacher was driving the same Chevy Monte Carlo, which would date the car, at its latest, 18 years old.
For additional context, according to Federal Highway Administration data, in 1993 the average age of a passenger car in use was around 8.3 years.
Let’s just say the return on her investment was high.
I remember an unusually slow day when, as I was waiting for her tank to fill and she was standing alongside me chatting, I asked her respectfully, “Don’t you ever want a new car?”
Now I’m a young teenager who just got his driver’s license, so drooling over new cars was common in my spare time.
I remember she smiled and said without hesitation, “Why would I? Yes, the old girl may be, well, old, but she still adequately serves the purpose for which she was designed – to get me from point A to point B. Whether I got a new car or not, it will still fulfill the same purpose.”
Admittedly, for a young driver and teenager who was a bit obsessed with all things cars, her admission was hard to comprehend, as was what she said next.
“Remember, Craig, what you have does not define who you are.”
I have spent a good deal of time thinking about how people choose to define themselves, and I’m not talking about the quiet private moments, but rather in the highly visible ways that signal to the world who they really believe, or convince themselves, they are.
What kind of car is parked in your driveway is one of those perceived symbols in a materialist society that speaks volumes without saying a word.
Let’s be honest: a luxury vehicle is not purchased simply as a mode of transportation, for if transportation is all you require, there are more economical and definitely more reliable alternatives.
Luxury vehicles are purchased as highly visible status symbols, proclaiming to a superficial society your high social, economic, or professional standing in the world.
In America, first impressions are deemed critical for social acceptance, and the gleam from that luxury hood ornament communicates your financial achievements to that superficial society before a single word is spoken.
I’ve encountered people driving high-end luxury cars who manage to convince others on the road, in parking lots, and even at work that they are wealthy.
What’s ironic is that these same individuals often live in undesirable neighborhoods in slightly rundown homes. However, the luxury car serves its purpose: it creates an impression, evoking envy in others because of the wealth it appears to symbolize.
And yet, I find myself asking this fairly logical question: Is that truly who we are, or simply who we want others to believe we are?
There is a meaningful difference between the two.
For example, a fancy car can be leased, and one’s self-image can be carefully curated and projected out in society while the person behind it remains largely unknown, even to themselves.
In fact, our culture frequently prioritizes the illusion of success, often rewarding those who merely appear accomplished even more than those who genuinely achieve success.
So, how do you define yourself?
So, I return to the question that I think deserves a genuine answer: How do you define yourself?
Not to your neighbors, not to your colleagues, and certainly not to strangers at a stoplight or in the supermarket parking lot. But to the person looking back at you in the mirror each morning when you wake up and each night when you go to bed.
What is the one thing, stripped of all material possessions, that tells the world something real and lasting about who you are?
Who we are has nothing to do with what’s in our garage — something I’ll admit I had to learn for myself. Status is easy to acquire and just as easy to lose. Character is what remains when it’s gone.
And yet, so many people judge others in society by their possessions, placing more value on those who drive a luxury car than on those who drive a mainstream vehicle.
That doesn’t mean they have more wealth or success; it simply means they want to tell a certain kind of story to a very superficial society. And that story often has little or nothing to do with reality or what’s truly important in life.
And that, dear readers, is the lesson we’re teaching the next generation of children. That if you want to be viewed as a success, you have to drive around in a car that befits the intended image, regardless of the facts.
Tony Dungy, an American former professional football player and coach, once said, “You should never be defined by what you do, by the things you have; you’ve got to define yourself by who you are and who you impact and how you impact people.”
So again, how do you define yourself?
Is it by the material possessions you own that have come to represent success in a superficial and judgmental society?
Or at the end of the day, do you go to sleep soundly knowing that you are a person of character and morals?
A person whose kindness toward others is not done with some reciprocation in mind, but because that’s what you want people to remember you for.
Your impact and influence to help people understand that the human connections we foster are more important than a luxury car.