“I think midlife crisis is just a point where people’s careers have reached some plateau and they have to reflect on their personal relationships.” – Bill Murray.
I have always been highly self-reflective, frequently expressing the thoughts and emotions that arise from this process in my writing and conversations with others.
After all, the only way to genuinely improve oneself is to look back on our lives and reflect on our actions and decisions with complete transparency.
Self-reflection is challenging and often requires us to confront uncomfortable truths about our choices, discomfort necessary for achieving meaningful results.
As I explore this stage of life, I realize that aging alters our perceptions and impacts how we tolerate ourselves and our shortcomings. While I wouldn’t necessarily label it a midlife crisis, reaching this midpoint in life expectancy has led me to view many aspects of my life in a new light.
Mr. Murray’s quote above seriously resonated with me. “People’s careers have reached some plateau, and they must reflect on their personal relationships.”
Careers and relationships are two powerful aspects of life. Although each contributes differently to feelings of purpose and joy, they define who we are in a society that many struggle to identify with.
Self-reflection is meant to be a cathartic process promoting positive growth.
However, when you reach the midway point in life and find yourself burdened with more questions than answers, it can leave you feeling depleted and like a failure, leading you down a path of overwhelming disappointment.
Our lives revolve around the choices we make.
Some people excel at the decision-making process, while others are paralyzed by fear, which hinders their ability to commit to something genuinely beneficial. Most of us find ourselves somewhere in between at different times in our lives.
I feel somewhat disappointed by my decisions and their impact on my career and relationships over the years.
However, I don’t know if I would label these feelings as a midlife crisis, as I believe many individuals experience similar emotions at various ages.
What do the experts have to say?
On Psychology Today, Aniesa Hanson, Ph.D., of Hanson Complete Counseling, writes, “A midlife crisis, simply put, is a period of emotional turmoil in middle age (40-60) for a strong desire for change. This ‘crisis’ is a period of large-scale change where a person experiences a lot of confusion and uncertainty about their life purpose.”
I couldn’t have summed that up any better: confusion and uncertainty about one’s life purpose.
While I’m not engaging in impulsive behaviors or reckless lifestyle changes, if confusion and uncertainty are what a midlife crisis feels like, I definitely belong to that group.
So, where are my specific issues?
First and foremost, my marriage of 23 years is NOT one of my regrets or disappointments.
I often tell my wife, seemingly at random, how lucky I feel to have found someone like her to share my life with, and I genuinely mean it.
She is the best person I have ever known. Her presence is a constant reminder of what is truly important in life and how fulfilling a relationship based on unconditional love and simplicity can feel.
While I strive to remain grounded and grateful for the many blessings in my life, sometimes, the pressures of the outside world can invade the simplicity, causing chaos to overshadow my invaluable relationship.
One of the challenges I face is my career, which has become increasingly tricky and disappointing over the past few years and is likely a trigger for many a midlife crisis.
Layoffs and my struggle to identify what I genuinely enjoy and how to pursue it effectively have impacted my self-confidence. As a result, I have settled for situations and circumstances that have led to dissatisfaction.
My age also reminds me that, although I still have 15 to 20 years left to work, my time and opportunities to uncover something meaningful are fleeting.
Although I can cope with the highs and lows of my career, my greatest challenge arises from personal relationships outside my marriage.
I long for the family members and friends who filled my days with love, encouragement, and acceptance on holidays and ordinary days. Now, they have left this earthly life.
Meaningful friendships have faded away, with no replacements in sight, and my current family relationships pale in comparison to the memories my heart and mind hold dear from my youth.
Finding a new career is possible but can be more challenging than it sounds. On the other hand, you cannot buy or apply for relationships—especially with family. Reflecting on the people in your life or the absence of those relationships can be especially difficult during the holidays.
Is this a Midlife Crisis?
I may be experiencing a midlife crisis, but not in the typical sense of dressing and behaving like I’m in my early 20s, trading my family car for a Maserati, or seeking out relationships to boost my self-worth.
No, this is about deeper issues beyond vanity and touching on everyday struggles. Hanson articulated it perfectly: confusion and uncertainty about one’s life purpose.
When speaking about the dreaded midlife crisis, Hanson says, “This transition can be overwhelming and difficult at times not only for the person going through it but also for the people in their life. Although challenging, it can also be an opportunity for growth and self-discovery.”
Growth and self-discovery are never easy, which is probably why so many of us avoid it, especially when day-to-day realities confront you at the most inopportune times.
I’m realizing during this so-called midlife crisis that changing nothing doesn’t change anything in life, and often that can be something as simple as changing your mindset.
A few years ago, feelings of confusion and uncertainty about my life’s purpose would have emotionally crippled me, straining my marriage and other relationships while robbing me of the precious time I had left.
Although it remains difficult, I am becoming more resilient. I’m learning to remind myself that it’s easy to dwell on the negatives of the present, the “what ifs” of the past, and the bleakness of the future.
But it’s important to remember what author Donald Richie once wrote. “Midlife crisis begins sometime in your 40s when you look at your life and think, ‘Is this all?’ And it ends about ten years later when you look at your life again and think, ‘Actually, this is pretty good.'”
I think Richie is right—there’s a more profound lesson that I often forget during times of sadness and loneliness. While we usually focus on what we feel is missing in our lives, maybe it’s time to remind ourselves of all the things we have and frequently take for granted.
Whether I call this period in my life a midlife crisis or not, the truth is that everyone experiences moments when we question our past, our identity, and our future. This introspection is part of being human and is not necessarily a crisis.
One important lesson I’ve learned over the years is that everything is temporary. Everyone’s life, no matter the façade they present, is filled with both triumphs and challenges.
Therefore, enjoying the triumphs while they last is essential, embracing them with gratitude and humility instead of entitlement. When facing challenges, do your best to endure, knowing that better days lie ahead with a bit of patience and persistence.
Mexican painter Frida Kahlo once wrote, “At the end of the day, we can endure much more than we think we can.”
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